Wondering to 30
30 years of life
“…wonder is the spirit behind awareness that transforms paying attention from a discipline to one of life’s greatest joys.”
-David Benner, “Soulful Spirituality”
I started this the day before my birthday, in a busy airport at 10 p.m., writing and editing because I wanted to get as close as possible to my actual 30th birthday—to see if anything in me would shift at the last minute while approaching 30. It didn’t.
My twenties held so many transitions that I’ve stopped expecting myself to know anything with certainty. Instead, I want to learn how to hold life more loosely and freely. I want to learn what it means to care for my soul. I want to be less of who I think I’m supposed to be, and more of who I actually am.
I could talk about the enlightenment and the rich lessons my twenties have given me, but somehow that doesn’t feel important right now. What feels important is the wonder and attentiveness of this very moment: the quiet approach to 30.
I wonder how I will change, and how I will stay the same. How I’ll approach goals at this stage of life. Whether I even have goals anymore—or care to. I wonder how I can show more of myself, and what kind of wife, friend, and person I’m becoming. I met my husband in my mid-20s, and we’ve only been married nine months. So much has changed already; what else will?
I wonder which friends will stay close and which will drift. Who I’ll meet in my thirties. What prayers I’ll be brave enough to pray—and which ones I’ll still be too afraid to.
I wonder what burdens I’ll finally set down because they were never mine to carry, and which old patterns will still linger a little longer. I wonder what new hobbies I’ll try, what kind of writer I’ll become, what kind of therapist I’ll grow into. I wonder if the dreams I hold now will someday take form—or remain dreams.
All of these wonderings remind me of how much I don’t know.
And somehow, that feels like the point.
I hope I never lose my wonder.
- Celina Knight